Sunday, December 23, 2012

Just Let Your Soul Clo...

I've officially fallen out of love with my hometown. We're back for the holidays, visiting family we haven't seen since Thanksgiving - and all I want to do is go home. I feel like being here is forced, and I don't want to do it. The first thing I did after plugging in the computer was look to see if there were any Greyhound buses going back to Cleveland any time tomorrow - there aren't, by the way.

We're going home on Christmas afternoon anyway, but as of this moment I am just so tired of being here - with the illogicality of a weepy three year old. No, seriously... I am tearing up as I write this! I almost broke into a sobbing "I wanna go home" whine when we were in the car heading back from dinner.

Last month's Clomid cycle was a bust. We aren't doing IUI yet - to me that's my last resort (we will not do IVF) but just timed intercourse. I did not ovulate from the side with a tube, which isn't to say that the tube couldn't have swept over to the opposite side to pick up the egg (yes, this happens) but it just didn't. I'm doing the same dosage of Clomid with TI again, but this time it has made me emotional. Very, very emotional - and I'm only on day 3/5 of the stuff. I hope that this cycle is "our cycle" because I don't feel like I could handle any more feeling the way I do.

My last cycle was pretty good. I did not temp, but I had a respectable luteal phase and a good, strong ovulation. I didn't have any mood swings - just hot flashes, dehydration and fatigue. Honestly, not a big deal to me. I'd rather be sleepy than turn into a monster.

This trip (so far) has been way too much for my tiny mind to handle. I feel like hiding until it's time to open presents, after which I would scurry to my car and get the fuck out of town. I know how completely selfish and bitchy this sounds, I do. The whole point of this blog is to document my thoughts. This isn't some pastel-drenched, poorly coded website where everyone feel obligated to write out "I love you" in cursive with their tongue on some stranger's chocolate starfish. Not today.

There comes a point when I know I'm being an asshole and I've fully reached that point. This makes me want to clam up and not say a word to anyone for fear of the unintended snark that might flow from my mouth. As soon as I'm done typing up this entry I'll probably go hide in the bedroom with Netflix until I pass out from exhaustion.

I had to rant, so I ranted. There it is. I hope everyone is having a better day than I am.

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