I'm A Chicken

I'm having one of those bad days, the kind you can't or don't want to openly have with people who aren't going or haven't gone through the same things because it makes them feel uncomfortable, weird, and sometimes bad about themselves (the last applies often if they're pregnant, or have been before). The only reason I know it squicks out non-IF people is because I've seen message boards/Facebook groups of people fall apart - or nearly fall apart because someone in the group struggling with infertility had a bad day/week.

I had a slow temp rise over three days that made me think I'd missed my surge, until I woke up today with my temps back in the 96 range. I thought I'd just missed my surge with the OPK and was ovulating earlier than normal. Waking up to the lower temp was basically a slap in my face. I don't even know why - because it's happened so many times before. I have only had a "textbook" chart with non-rocky temps once in the past 15 months.

We had the plan to go sledding this morning, so I skipped my Sunday spin class... Big mistake on my part. If I had burned up my thighs and calves a little on a bicycle this morning I might've felt a little better about shushing down a sledding hill on a plastic disc. Not so.

I was making pancakes and started to feel pissy. Every time my husband would reach over to grab something, or if he was in my personal space for a completely innocent reason and it made my blood BOIL. Then, I became dismissive. I called out to him and said (while fighting back tears); I don't think I feel like going sledding. You should just go by yourself. I'm having a bad day. Besides, there's too much to do. At that point, I just kept cooking and the tears subsided.

I didn't really break down until I sat to have breakfast with my husband. I told him I was really tired of the meds, and that I felt angry/cheated out of my first 13 months of trying (because of my PCOS and the blocked tube). Having a 40 pound ovarian cyst removed at age 12 should give someone a pass from that whole "Wait 12 months before seeing an RE" thing. I got angry at the self-righteous bitches on a certain message board that constantly parrot "If you go before then it makes it harder for people who actually need it to get in" to unsuspecting people.

I go on to tell him that I hate Clomid, that I hate having to schedule sex. I am blubbering by this point, as I tell him that I'll probably have to order even more ovulation tests this cycle, and that I hate, HATE charting my temperature. Strangely enough, I'm doing that last part for my own benefit, my RE said I don't actually have to. I'm too invested to stop this cycle, but I will probably never temp again after this.

I have friends who are nursing their children say that they feel like a cow when they're nursing. As a person taking drugs to stimulate ovulation, I feel like a chicken.