Limit

Dammit.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

This is the first time I actually feel robbed, and I don't even know why. I'm angry at my body, for the genetic material within me for being in the wrong place at the right time, and I don't know what else I can possibly do.

I gave myself a shot in the fucking belly, doesn't that count for SOMETHING?

After a whole lot of cramping and finally spotting today, I called the RE and told them I was starting my period. The nurse called me back and wants me to start Clomid.

Again.

200 milligrams...

Again.

They faxed in the order for my first ultrasound for CD13 and at this very moment I really, really don't want to do it. The last time I did two consecutive cycles of Clomid of the same dosage, I stalled. Nothing happened. I am reminded of a story my Mom loved to tell people, that when I was a little girl she tried the "airplane in the hangar" trick to get me to eat something I didn't want to eat. The way she tells it, my face fell as I stared into her eyes and said, "It's not gonna work, Mom."

I am pretty done with being sunshine and lollipops about this whole ordeal, I am. I feel like more Clomid isn't going to do a thing - and that the CD13 ultrasound is going to be just as uneventful as the first two I had the last time around. And then what? I can't up my dosage, and I don't think that I would if they even asked me. I have my prescriptions in, and my requisitions for monitoring - but I almost don't want to do it.

I'm also very sure that nothing will happen if I do nothing at all. I'm so sick and tired of thermometers, ultrasounds, ovulation and pregnancy tests. I want to give up, and I don't. I want to do something this cycle, but I don't.

As I sit here fighting back tears, I am inconsolable in every way.

Treat Me Like a Red-Headed Stair-Step Cycle

I can sit here and tell you that I've had zero ill effects from the Clomid I've been taking, but I just yelled "You motherfucker!" at a video game just now.

...It was Katamari Damacy.

Really?

 Yeah, so I might have a touch of the Clo-zilla in me. Thankfully, I manage to keep it under wraps most of the time. I've just returned from a two day getaway in Amish country (it was WONDERFUL) so I'm feeling relaxed and full of carbohydrates made lovingly the old-fashioned way.

I had another ultrasound on Monday (CD 16) for those of you following my saga. I did Clomid (100 mg) on cycle days 5-9. I had my first follicle check on CD 12 with nothing over 10mm. Plenty of follicles, none measurable. I went back Monday only to find out that yet again, I had not responded at all. There was no development on the 15 or so follicles they'd found on each ovary. I was at a local market having lunch when I got the call from the RE's office about my uneventful ultrasound.

They said that they wanted to stimulate me more, and that they'd like it if I started Clomid (200 mg!) again that night, and then take it for 7 days instead of 5 (double wow). I was minutes away from going to a place where I would have no phone and no internet for 2-3 days, the fact that I received the call at that moment was serendipitous. They were able to phone the prescription in to a pharmacy that was on my way out of town.

Since this is my second round of Clomid in the same cycle, my RE refe

So here I am, day 3 of 7 days of mega-Clomid. Really, not much to report. In a stupid way, I wish I had some symptoms - some indication that SOMETHING was working. If a week of 200mg Clomid doesn't get me to have some good follicles, I don't know what will.

The Little Follie That Should

 

My first follicle check was this morning. I braved freezing temperatures on a bicycle and rode the mile to the clinic. There's a monitor on the wall, so I can see what they're doing and I notice that she measures a follicle on the left side. I asked her how big it was and she said 6 millimeters.

 

 

 

Say what, now? Only 6 millimeters? Come on girls, you can do better than that. None of the other follies were measurable. She marked the left as having 20 less than 10mm, and the right as having 15 less than 10mm. My lining was a 7.8 and she said that was on par with someone at cycle day 12, so that's good to know that the Clomid hasn't destroyed my lining. She told me the RE would get faxed copies of my ultrasound images and they'd call me in the afternoon.

 

 

When the nurse called this afternoon, she explained that I have "boatloads of follicles" but did not mention the 6mm follie. I have to go back Monday (CD16) for a repeat ultrasound. If I ovulate, I usually do it a little later in the game so for now, I'll keep using ovulation tests and hope for better results on Monday. I hope at least one of them grows.

 

I think they can.

I think they can.

I think they can.

I think they can.

 

 



IF Is A Headache. No, REALLY!

I'm (hopefully) at the end of Cycle 9, because I'm taking my last dose of Provera today. My hope is that I withdraw soon, and can complete any ultrasounds (and hopefully trigger!) by the end of the month, when we have a little vacation planned.

I am no stranger to Provera, but it's really kicking my ass this time. Headaches. Oh god, the headaches. I cannot recall feeling this tired or moody in a long time, none of which I could attribute to the Provera anyway. Last night, I fell asleep (while sitting up) doing a crossword with my husband - at 8:30. This morning I hit the snooze bar a total of four times, meaning that I slept about 40 minutes longer than I had intended to. I have zero energy. It doesn't matter if I have coffee or not, I'm just incredibly exhausted.

Since the first time I took a round of Provera during this "journey" of mine (I seriously hate calling it that) I've had a bit of a paranoia with it. I took an ovulation test out of boredom after taking the first Provera dose, and the test was positive. I called my OB who told me that I need to ignore it, not have sex and to just wait it out. Now I always have the thought of "What if?" when I take it. What if I just ovulated really late, fertilized an egg and am now getting rid of it with the Provera? I often ask myself, am I being impatient? I see people talking about going 70, 80 or even 100 days for a cycle - and here I am taking Provera at day 42 (doctor's orders, since we saw no response).

I'm actually taking a day off on Friday to sleep a bunch and have a leisurely day with no real obligations. I will most likely end up bored and lonely, but I need the quiet. Plus, I have an obscene amount of sick days.

Trapped In The Closet

I've seen a lot of people on the internet ask "How did you tell people you were trying to get pregnant?". The question always turns up a lot of answers, none of which fail to astound me. I guess I just don't get the reason that you'd share this little bit of information with your nearest and dearest. I figure by NOT telling them, they will...

1. Be pleasantly surprised when we announce a pregnancy
2. Be saved the mental imagery of all that human conception entails

Right? Fairly sure most people know how babies are made, they don't need to know if and when I'm starting that process. I don't want friends and family to ask me how "trying" is going, and I wouldn't want them to freak out if I didn't get pregnant right away. I can only imagine the whispers of concern in emails to aunts and cousins, people wondering if everything was OK and whose "fault" not getting pregnant yet, was.

Obviously early in, I could not have foreseen how long it would take us to get pregnant. All of what I listed above - aside from basically announcing that my spouse would be ejaculating inside me on the regular) could have been a moot point. But my opinion remains, I don't think people need to know.

There's a flipside to all of that, though - which makes going through IF a very lonely thing. Since my family doesn't really know that we're trying - and that I have a diagnosed issue that is causing us difficulty - so I can't really "explain away" the bad days.

My cousin might not realize that I'm so sick and tired of seeing her post 10 pictures of her daughter on Facebook EVERY. SINGLE. DAY... Because I want to have a baby so badly. My in-laws announce every new baby/pregnancy with such joy and elation and expect me to return the sentiment (even when I don't really want to and there's no way they could fathom that unless they KNEW). I've never had to explain my behavior to anyone except my husband - I really try to keep what few meltdowns I've had between he and I... But I fear that one day I'm going to either have to fess up, or explain it away as just being in a bad mood/megabitch.

Just got my doctor's orders for Cycle 10. This time will be with 100 mg of Clomid + Trigger (Ovidrel). I will call my RE's office on CD12 for my first ultrasound. Hopefully all of this plays well into the vacation we've just planned. After a discussion with my husband, we thought it'd be a good idea to get away for a couple of days, just the two of us. Maybe this will be it.

It's Not All Pink & White

I don't know how much stock (if any) someone taking Clomid should put into their chart. I've heard people say that it can really affect your temperatures - but the two cycles I've temped for on Clomid were the most sane looking charts I have ever personally had.

If you believed Fertility Friend I'd be 21 days past ovulation, and I'm not. It doesn't appear that I responded favorably to the Clomid this time around, and that seems to be my experience for a second consecutive cycle. I wonder if there's any logic behind someone's reproductive system becoming "complacent" on fertility meds. Note that we never changed dosages (always 50 mg).

Cycle 1: Ovulation on CD11
Cycle 2: No response. Provera used.

Then, there was a break where I got fed up with drugs and TTC.

Cycle 3: Ovulation on/around CD23
Cycle 4: No response.

The RE asked if I wanted additional ultrasounds for this cycle and I declined. I have no pain, no discomfort and nothing that would lead me to believe there's a problem. We'll likely go with Provera to reset (if I don't, my lining will be INSANE next cycle) but I'm waiting on that phone call so we can discuss options for Cycle #10.

I am considering Clomid with a trigger and timed intercourse for the next cycle. I have never used a trigger, and am assuming at this point that the trigger shot will be completely out of pocket for me. The fertility clinic codes all monitoring appointments as infertility testing, so they're covered. If I ever have to do an IUI, the actual IUI will be out of pocket but the ultrasounds would be covered. I'm waiting on a call back from my RE to discuss another consultation appointment and how to set everything else up.

Finally, I think it's about time I had some procedures done that didn't involve violation of my reproductive organs and canals. I'm giving serious thought to a spa day for myself, complete with waxing (this is why I specific which "violations" I'd settle for), hair color/cut and massage, mani & pedi too... The works (once I get past the sticker shock of how much money that entails!!).

In all honesty though, I'm tired of the shit.

I'm A Chicken

I'm having one of those bad days, the kind you can't or don't want to openly have with people who aren't going or haven't gone through the same things because it makes them feel uncomfortable, weird, and sometimes bad about themselves (the last applies often if they're pregnant, or have been before). The only reason I know it squicks out non-IF people is because I've seen message boards/Facebook groups of people fall apart - or nearly fall apart because someone in the group struggling with infertility had a bad day/week.

I had a slow temp rise over three days that made me think I'd missed my surge, until I woke up today with my temps back in the 96 range. I thought I'd just missed my surge with the OPK and was ovulating earlier than normal. Waking up to the lower temp was basically a slap in my face. I don't even know why - because it's happened so many times before. I have only had a "textbook" chart with non-rocky temps once in the past 15 months.

We had the plan to go sledding this morning, so I skipped my Sunday spin class... Big mistake on my part. If I had burned up my thighs and calves a little on a bicycle this morning I might've felt a little better about shushing down a sledding hill on a plastic disc. Not so.

I was making pancakes and started to feel pissy. Every time my husband would reach over to grab something, or if he was in my personal space for a completely innocent reason and it made my blood BOIL. Then, I became dismissive. I called out to him and said (while fighting back tears); I don't think I feel like going sledding. You should just go by yourself. I'm having a bad day. Besides, there's too much to do. At that point, I just kept cooking and the tears subsided.

I didn't really break down until I sat to have breakfast with my husband. I told him I was really tired of the meds, and that I felt angry/cheated out of my first 13 months of trying (because of my PCOS and the blocked tube). Having a 40 pound ovarian cyst removed at age 12 should give someone a pass from that whole "Wait 12 months before seeing an RE" thing. I got angry at the self-righteous bitches on a certain message board that constantly parrot "If you go before then it makes it harder for people who actually need it to get in" to unsuspecting people.

I go on to tell him that I hate Clomid, that I hate having to schedule sex. I am blubbering by this point, as I tell him that I'll probably have to order even more ovulation tests this cycle, and that I hate, HATE charting my temperature. Strangely enough, I'm doing that last part for my own benefit, my RE said I don't actually have to. I'm too invested to stop this cycle, but I will probably never temp again after this.

I have friends who are nursing their children say that they feel like a cow when they're nursing. As a person taking drugs to stimulate ovulation, I feel like a chicken.