Today, I am 11 DPO.
Today, I am NOT pregnant.
Tomorrow? Who knows?
I know that many of you have an "I'm sorry" at the ready to post, the very moment you finish reading this post, and I politely ask that you do not. I don't doubt that you'd mean it, that's not it. I don't want you to feel bad for me, because there's no reason to. A large portion of infertility is not within your control. For my PCOS, I can improve things by losing weight. I'm doing that, and that's about all I can control.
As for the other stuff surrounding my diagnosis? How would it benefit me to worry all the time, or to take pity on myself? Misery is not fucking cathartic. By its own definition, it's a state or feeling of great distress or discomfort of mind or body - and that's pretty much the antithesis of catharsis.
Big. Words. Translation? It doesn't feel good to feel sad.
Sympathy has never really gone that far with me. I don't need my friends to feel sorry for me, or feel bad because my ovaries are full of dots... I just need my friends, in general. I do not feel an ounce of resentment for the people who have gotten pregant before me. I will need their experience and wisdom some day!!
If anything, I am angry.
The HSG I will have to have with my RE isn't covered, at all. No infertility testing or procedures are covered. The things I've read online tell me that it will cost me approximately 1000 dollars out of pocket. If I had both tubes, I'd be tempted to hedge my bets and not have it done - but that's not my situation. I know that's flameworthy and I don't care. Maybe I'll have a bake sale and sell muffins for the sake of my muffin. The point is, it SHOULD be covered. The fact that insurance companies would deny a diagnostic procedure that isn't being done for any cosmetic reason, is disgusting - but it's not something I can control in the present. (**I will also disclaim now that any attempt to debate politics/healthcare in this or any post will be ignored and probably deleted, so don't even try - that's not what this blog is here for.)
Don't mistake this post or the sentiments within for impassivity, because it's not. I'm very concerned about my infertility, and what I need to do to get pregnant. It's just not worth the gloom and doom I think some people expect me to have over it.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Après l'ovulation, l'attendre.
Hello, two week wait. It's been a LONG time. Let the phantom symptoms and wild speculations begin! Honestly though, all that stuff started over a week ago. I'm presently 8 days past ovulation (DPO) and in full over-analysis mode.
I won't tell you what twin parts of me currently hurt like nothing else, but I've had vivid dreams since about 3 DPO - and that's a new one for me. Last night, the dream was that I took a pregnancy test but it was negative because there was glitter instead of a second line. Then I took a second test (positive) and was trying to take a picture of it to share on Facebook (why?) and my husband refused to let me use the macro setting on his camera. I complained because I told him the iPod would take shitty photos. So I was in a bad neighborhood under a street lamp with the test on the ground, trying to take a picture. Behind me, two guys were breaking in to a house.
I will undoubtedly test early, and you're free to judge me for that. Point is, I have the tests and I can do whatever I want. Maybe some people couldn't handle a BFN at 9 DPO but I can.
In the past two weeks I've lost about 6-7 pounds because of my new diet. I'm cutting out most "white carbs" and processed sugars, and watching my glycemic load. Aside from my more recent fatigue (after work and exercise to be fair) I have way more energy, and I definitely look better. If you have PCOS and need to lose weight, you may want to look into this way of eating. I'm still trying to integrate more veggies and fruits, though. I'm thinking that I will get more in to smoothies (ones that *I* make) once we're settled in our new place.
RE appointment next week to discuss my bloodwork (FINALLY).
I won't tell you what twin parts of me currently hurt like nothing else, but I've had vivid dreams since about 3 DPO - and that's a new one for me. Last night, the dream was that I took a pregnancy test but it was negative because there was glitter instead of a second line. Then I took a second test (positive) and was trying to take a picture of it to share on Facebook (why?) and my husband refused to let me use the macro setting on his camera. I complained because I told him the iPod would take shitty photos. So I was in a bad neighborhood under a street lamp with the test on the ground, trying to take a picture. Behind me, two guys were breaking in to a house.
I will undoubtedly test early, and you're free to judge me for that. Point is, I have the tests and I can do whatever I want. Maybe some people couldn't handle a BFN at 9 DPO but I can.
In the past two weeks I've lost about 6-7 pounds because of my new diet. I'm cutting out most "white carbs" and processed sugars, and watching my glycemic load. Aside from my more recent fatigue (after work and exercise to be fair) I have way more energy, and I definitely look better. If you have PCOS and need to lose weight, you may want to look into this way of eating. I'm still trying to integrate more veggies and fruits, though. I'm thinking that I will get more in to smoothies (ones that *I* make) once we're settled in our new place.
RE appointment next week to discuss my bloodwork (FINALLY).
Friday, November 2, 2012
Accentuate the Positive OPK
It seems sort of cruel that I still can't be happy about the follicle and +OPK. In the back of my mind I'm afraid they're just machinations of my PCOS, because some women suffering from PCOS get constant positives on ovulation tests.
Why?
Because ovulation predictor tests will detect a surge in luteinizing hormone (LH) which is produced by the pituitary. Some women with PCOS will have a constant or near-constant elevation of this hormone.
I have to keep telling myself that this is my first positive in almost a year. It's probably not a cyst, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be. I keep falling back on the negative and I know that I shouldn't. I guess we'll have to wait and see. My next ultrasound for the study was bumped up to Tuesday instead of Wednesday. I'm not a praying sort of person, but I'm hoping for a collapsed follicle by then.
Why?
Because ovulation predictor tests will detect a surge in luteinizing hormone (LH) which is produced by the pituitary. Some women with PCOS will have a constant or near-constant elevation of this hormone.
I have to keep telling myself that this is my first positive in almost a year. It's probably not a cyst, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be. I keep falling back on the negative and I know that I shouldn't. I guess we'll have to wait and see. My next ultrasound for the study was bumped up to Tuesday instead of Wednesday. I'm not a praying sort of person, but I'm hoping for a collapsed follicle by then.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
FUPCOS
I had my first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist a couple weeks ago, and it was great! I really felt like the RE was deeply concerned with why I'm not getting pregnant and he was quite caring and understanding.
Despite already having an ultrasound back in August, the RE wanted to do another. He reassured me, and said the nice thing about this second ultrasound is that he'd be able to tell me what he sees as we go along. The first ultrasound was not with the OB, and the tech can't really comment on what they see - But I could have sworn I heard him saying "cyst...cyst...cyst..."as he was doing the ultrasound. My OB said that my ultrasound was "normal".
When the RE "got in there" so to speak - it took him less than 30 seconds to determine that my diagosis is PCOS - or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
So what is PCOS? Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders. PCOS is a complex, heterogeneous disorder of uncertain etiology, but there is strong evidence that it can to a large degree be classified as a genetic disease. PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old). It is thought to be one of the leading causes of female subfertility and the most frequent endocrine problem in women of reproductive age.
If you go by symptoms alone, you'd think all women with PCOS are fat, pimply, and mustachioed. While it is true that the majority of women with PCOS are overweight or obese, it's not that way for everyone. Not everyone has excess hair, or is insulin resistant. There's no cure for PCOS at this point, but doctors do recommend a diet low in processed foods and sugars - and that's what I'm trying to do. One of the doctors at the fertility clinic explained that it's very hard for overweight PCOS women to lose weight and admittedly that was a bit of a kick in the teeth. He assured me that a determined, dedicated person can do it, so that's what I'm going to have to be.
Determined, dedicated.
Never judge a book by its cover, kiddies. Despite being a little heavy, I'm quite active. I don't eat at fast food restaurants and I don't generally over-eat. I rode 100 miles back in August on my bicycle (in a single day!!) and training rides prior to that ride were at least 30 miles in length. It was very, very frustrating to work that hard and see my weight at a standstill, or to only lose a pound or two. At least I know why that's happening, now. That's how I have to view it. I got a lot of apologies and sympathy for receiving my diagnosis, and while it's appreciated... I'm actually relieved to have a diagnosis. It would drive me crazier to not know why things weren't working properly.
About a week after my diagnosis I went back to the fertility clinic to have blood drawn for various tests. I had to go in at 7:30 in the morning to make sure the clinic's nurse was able to follow through with my tests. One test I had done was a Glucose Tolerance Test or GTT to determine if I was insulin resistant. The test involved no eating/drinking after midnight. My blood was drawn for the GTT at the same time as for the other tests (11 vials in all!!). After the first blood draw, I had to drink a VERY sweet drink known as Glucola that had 75g of glucose. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted. The sweetness of the drink burned my tongue, a little. After having half my blood drained and drinking several ounces of Uber Sunkist I had to go to the waiting room and wait - for two hours. At first I was horribly dizzy and nauseous. Have you ever thought for sure that you were going to throw up, so much so that you tried to stay as still as you could so you wouldn't get dizzier? Yeah, that was me. I sat quietly in the fertility clinic's waiting room and tried to locate the closest trash cans using only peripheral vision as my guide - just in case.
After 15 minutes or so I felt a little better, but was tired and had a horrible headache. I used music and Facebook on my iPod Touch to pass the time. I took a horribly unflattering picture of me yawning and posted it to my friends. After two hours they drew two more vials of blood they sent me on my way. I was pretty looped out the rest of the afternoon and had to eat fairly constantly to keep the sicky, dizzy feeling from coming back.
That was about a week ago and I haven't had the chance to talk to my RE about the results yet. I called to make an appointment but I can't get in to see him until Mid-November. I'm on cycle day 45 today and I feel kind of stalled/stuck, but I have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it.
In the meantime, I am participating in a study for PCOS vs. non-PCOS women. It involves a 3D ultrasound once a week. The behavior of the follicles/cysts on my ovaries are analyzed on a weekly basis. It's a high-tech way to tell if I'm ovulating or pregnant while the study is being conducted, that's for sure. I would have to leave the study if and when I begin medication and treatment since it would alter the results of the study. It doesn't get me any free fertility treatments or payment - it's strictly in the name of medical and scientific research. Since I'm married to a scientist and have a fairly analytical mind myself, I'm happy to do it. If my data can help doctors understand PCOS, then it's totally worth it.
My third ultrasound of the study is tonight. I had a dream last night that they found a collapsed follicle and told me that I just ovulated. Boy, that would be nice... Wouldn't it?
Despite already having an ultrasound back in August, the RE wanted to do another. He reassured me, and said the nice thing about this second ultrasound is that he'd be able to tell me what he sees as we go along. The first ultrasound was not with the OB, and the tech can't really comment on what they see - But I could have sworn I heard him saying "cyst...cyst...cyst..."as he was doing the ultrasound. My OB said that my ultrasound was "normal".
When the RE "got in there" so to speak - it took him less than 30 seconds to determine that my diagosis is PCOS - or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
 |
| One of my ovaries. The black circles are cysts/follicles. Too many. |
So what is PCOS? Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders. PCOS is a complex, heterogeneous disorder of uncertain etiology, but there is strong evidence that it can to a large degree be classified as a genetic disease. PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old). It is thought to be one of the leading causes of female subfertility and the most frequent endocrine problem in women of reproductive age.
If you go by symptoms alone, you'd think all women with PCOS are fat, pimply, and mustachioed. While it is true that the majority of women with PCOS are overweight or obese, it's not that way for everyone. Not everyone has excess hair, or is insulin resistant. There's no cure for PCOS at this point, but doctors do recommend a diet low in processed foods and sugars - and that's what I'm trying to do. One of the doctors at the fertility clinic explained that it's very hard for overweight PCOS women to lose weight and admittedly that was a bit of a kick in the teeth. He assured me that a determined, dedicated person can do it, so that's what I'm going to have to be.
Determined, dedicated.
Never judge a book by its cover, kiddies. Despite being a little heavy, I'm quite active. I don't eat at fast food restaurants and I don't generally over-eat. I rode 100 miles back in August on my bicycle (in a single day!!) and training rides prior to that ride were at least 30 miles in length. It was very, very frustrating to work that hard and see my weight at a standstill, or to only lose a pound or two. At least I know why that's happening, now. That's how I have to view it. I got a lot of apologies and sympathy for receiving my diagnosis, and while it's appreciated... I'm actually relieved to have a diagnosis. It would drive me crazier to not know why things weren't working properly.
About a week after my diagnosis I went back to the fertility clinic to have blood drawn for various tests. I had to go in at 7:30 in the morning to make sure the clinic's nurse was able to follow through with my tests. One test I had done was a Glucose Tolerance Test or GTT to determine if I was insulin resistant. The test involved no eating/drinking after midnight. My blood was drawn for the GTT at the same time as for the other tests (11 vials in all!!). After the first blood draw, I had to drink a VERY sweet drink known as Glucola that had 75g of glucose. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted. The sweetness of the drink burned my tongue, a little. After having half my blood drained and drinking several ounces of Uber Sunkist I had to go to the waiting room and wait - for two hours. At first I was horribly dizzy and nauseous. Have you ever thought for sure that you were going to throw up, so much so that you tried to stay as still as you could so you wouldn't get dizzier? Yeah, that was me. I sat quietly in the fertility clinic's waiting room and tried to locate the closest trash cans using only peripheral vision as my guide - just in case.
After 15 minutes or so I felt a little better, but was tired and had a horrible headache. I used music and Facebook on my iPod Touch to pass the time. I took a horribly unflattering picture of me yawning and posted it to my friends. After two hours they drew two more vials of blood they sent me on my way. I was pretty looped out the rest of the afternoon and had to eat fairly constantly to keep the sicky, dizzy feeling from coming back.
That was about a week ago and I haven't had the chance to talk to my RE about the results yet. I called to make an appointment but I can't get in to see him until Mid-November. I'm on cycle day 45 today and I feel kind of stalled/stuck, but I have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it.
In the meantime, I am participating in a study for PCOS vs. non-PCOS women. It involves a 3D ultrasound once a week. The behavior of the follicles/cysts on my ovaries are analyzed on a weekly basis. It's a high-tech way to tell if I'm ovulating or pregnant while the study is being conducted, that's for sure. I would have to leave the study if and when I begin medication and treatment since it would alter the results of the study. It doesn't get me any free fertility treatments or payment - it's strictly in the name of medical and scientific research. Since I'm married to a scientist and have a fairly analytical mind myself, I'm happy to do it. If my data can help doctors understand PCOS, then it's totally worth it.
My third ultrasound of the study is tonight. I had a dream last night that they found a collapsed follicle and told me that I just ovulated. Boy, that would be nice... Wouldn't it?
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