Dammit.
God. Fucking. Dammit.
This is the first time I actually feel robbed, and I don't even know why. I'm angry at my body, for the genetic material within me for being in the wrong place at the right time, and I don't know what else I can possibly do.
I gave myself a shot in the fucking belly, doesn't that count for SOMETHING?
After a whole lot of cramping and finally spotting today, I called the RE and told them I was starting my period. The nurse called me back and wants me to start Clomid.
Again.
200 milligrams...
Again.
They faxed in the order for my first ultrasound for CD13 and at this very moment I really, really don't want to do it. The last time I did two consecutive cycles of Clomid of the same dosage, I stalled. Nothing happened. I am reminded of a story my Mom loved to tell people, that when I was a little girl she tried the "airplane in the hangar" trick to get me to eat something I didn't want to eat. The way she tells it, my face fell as I stared into her eyes and said, "It's not gonna work, Mom."
I am pretty done with being sunshine and lollipops about this whole ordeal, I am. I feel like more Clomid isn't going to do a thing - and that the CD13 ultrasound is going to be just as uneventful as the first two I had the last time around. And then what? I can't up my dosage, and I don't think that I would if they even asked me. I have my prescriptions in, and my requisitions for monitoring - but I almost don't want to do it.
I'm also very sure that nothing will happen if I do nothing at all. I'm so sick and tired of thermometers, ultrasounds, ovulation and pregnancy tests. I want to give up, and I don't. I want to do something this cycle, but I don't.
As I sit here fighting back tears, I am inconsolable in every way.
