Sometimes in my darkest days, I feel like a very unlucky person. Reality is always there in the background, shouting "someone will always have it worse than you!" as I think this... But it's inevitable that it happens.
1. I'm overweight. I'm not a fat acceptance person, I never will be. I will not be complacent about my weight. It is not okay for me to be overweight. Comfort with my physical self would equal laziness for me. About the time that puberty hit, I started getting chubby. I was made fun of, constantly. I've been out of school for years and can still tell you the full names of my bullies and the things they were so fond of calling me or chanting to me on a daily basis.
I'm working on this one, and am in excellent physical shape - but it hasn't been easy. There are people that eat way more crapfully than I do, and sit on their asses way more than I do - and they lose weight faster than I do. I do not hide the fact that I'm bitter about this, at times.
2. I have PCOS and lost a tube because of it. Seriously, what kind of 12 year old manages to grow a 40 pound cyst on their ovary that puts a loving death grip on their fallopian tube, making it unsalvageable when they remove the cyst? PCOS also plays a role in my weight and how difficult it is to lose it.
3. My mother is mentally ill, and didn't come to my wedding. I have not seen her in almost three years. She thinks people are "gaslighting" her, that a person or persons are intentionally causing her psychological trauma by shining lights in her house (realistically, these are headlights) and walking by her house with lights by their faces which are obviously transmitters/radio signals (realistically, cell phone backlights). She says she's called the police and the FCC and nobody does anything.
It's sort of heartbreaking to realize that my mom is one of the "crazies" that calls the FCC complaining about radio signals being criminally broadcast into her home - only to be ignored or passed off as some moron who has way too much time on their hands. I wish and hope that someone would flag her call/number and report it and hospitalize her. If I was a religious person I'd pray for it.
The thing is, nobody cares or will do anything. A mentally ill person may not present "symptoms" - they don't cough/sneeze/vomit/faint as a sign of their illness. Being "crazy" is something to mock, to laugh at for some people. I would give just about anything to have my mother back.
4. I am having an allergic reaction to Doxycycline and am covered in blisters/hives. In addition to that, I have the remnants of a yeast infection from the antibiotic. I am wheezing from my asthma as well. I took acidophilus to combat the YI and it has made me gassy. Also, I think I'm ovulating (or did already) and I'm completely un-fuckable.
5. To add insult to injury, my throat is partially closed/swollen - presumably due to the Doxycycline. I'm feeling fine, it just feels like there's a pill stuck in my throat. I'm irritable because of it, though.
If I could cobble being overweight, infertile, asthmatic, and the daughter of a mentally ill mother into some edgy country song, I might not feel so bad about possibly having to move to IUI soon. I could pay for that shit and think nothing of it.
I'm on break cycle 2, by the way. Loving the lack of meds, hating the uncertainty of it all.
