Redundant Stream of Consciousness Stream of Consciousness.

I feel like I've got to re-visit something, and I highly encourage you to spread this message far and wide.

Don't tell someone who has chosen to share with you that they're trying to get pregnant that they should just relax, and it will happen.

NO.

DO. NOT. SAY. THAT. TO. SOMEONE.
EVER.

Batman says NO. False hope really sucks. What you're doing, is gambling with someone's emotions and you conveniently don't have to deal with the possible, and really - if we're going to talk stats - likely emotional fallout. You drop a kissy-bomb of good intentions on your friend and you get to walk away. You have no idea what you've actually done.





I'll say this now, and maybe one day I'll show it to this person:

I am on my 5th cycle this year. 

They are all over 45 days in length.

The longest to date is 51 days. 

I am on CD44 today. I might have EWCM today, but I don't have any ovulation tests. 

I'm actually less angry/frustrated with my long cycles than I am with people who tell others to "relax", if only because it means that my body is doing something it's supposed to be doing. As far as trying to get pregnant overall, it's been almost two years.

If you do that to your friends and are reading this, you really suck and I hope one of them finally gets tired of your shit and calls you on it, and I hope you feel bad - I can almost promise that your embarrassment and regret pales in comparison to how the other party feels after they've peed on their hundredth pregnancy test, only to have it come up negative, again.

I really don't even care if it happened that way for you and you feel the urge to spread your gospel to the world. It's great, I'm thrilled for you - no, really. But shut the fuck up already.

I'm done with the "break" cycles - my bicycling season is mostly over and I plan to go back to the RE (I found a new one) in a couple of weeks. Waiting sucks.

"I wish I could get pregnant for free"

I haven't posted much becase there really hasn't been a lot going on. I decided several months back to take some time off of meds, temping, charting - everything except having sex. Considering this isn't that kind of blog... There hasn't been much to say.

My RE left the practice and I haven't picked a new one yet. I suppose I should do that soon.

I'm riding in a two-day, 175+ mile bike tour (incidentally, this is the first year I'm planning on doing both days) this weekend to raise money for Multiple Sclerosis research. You're welcome to donate to me if you want - just click here to go to my page. Even a donation of $5 would be extremely helpful.

After that, we're going on a family vacation for a week. After that - I will visit the RE to discuss a plan of action. I don't really want to do Clomid anymore - I had to take so much (200mg!!) to even respond, and it was totally uncomfortable. When I triggered? Even worse. I'd like to sort out the cost of Femara with my insurance company and possibly consider that. My husband doesn't want to do an IUI yet, as he still wants to try the "old fashioned way" - at least from his perspective.

For those not in the know, fertility meds are expensive and almost always completely out of pocket. If you have insurance coverage that actually pays for your fertilty medications and treatments, thank your lucky stars because it almost never works out that way. If you're considering fertility treatments, or even fertility testing - get in touch with your insurance company to discuss what is and isn't covered before you have anything done. My HSG would have been $1400 out of pocket had my insurance not covered it.

I have several friends in various stages of trying to get pregnant - one of them is about to start an IVF cycle. One of her medications, Bravelle - was going to cost her $1300. Several friends of ours directed her to Freedom Fertility where she was able to bring the cost down significantly to about $500. It's a great savings and I'm glad it worked out for her, but a comment she made today really sort of rang true with me:

 

"Damn, I wish I could get pregnant for free."

 

 

I know, right? I feel very fortunate that I haven't had to delve into the "big meds" yet, and my greatest cost (medication-wise, anyway) was about $115 - but this, or a very similar thought (with more swear words) enters my mind every single time I think about having to go back to medicated cycles.

 

 

I don't enjoy feeling like Violet Beauregard for a week or more - especially when I'm supposed to have sex. At least bitch got some futuristic bubble gum out of the ordeal.

 

 

 

 

So we'll just have to see what happens. I am guessing 2014 will be our IUI benchmark, if nothing happens before then. There's a huge bike ride next year in July (4 days, 350 or so miles across Ohio) and if I'm not pregnant by the early part of 2014, I'm inclined to take the Spring/Summer off to ride again.

 





It Isn't Fair/Poor Me

Sometimes in my darkest days, I feel like a very unlucky person. Reality is always there in the background, shouting "someone will always have it worse than you!" as I think this... But it's inevitable that it happens.

1. I'm overweight. I'm not a fat acceptance person, I never will be. I will not be complacent  about my weight. It is not okay for me to be overweight. Comfort with my physical self would equal laziness for me. About the time that puberty hit, I started getting chubby. I was made fun of, constantly. I've been out of school for years and can still tell you the full names of my bullies and the things they were so fond of calling me or chanting to me on a daily basis.

I'm working on this one, and am in excellent physical shape - but it hasn't been easy. There are people that eat way more crapfully than I do, and sit on their asses way more than I do - and they lose weight faster than I do. I do not hide the fact that I'm bitter about this, at times.

2. I have PCOS and lost a tube because of it. Seriously, what kind of 12 year old manages to grow a 40 pound cyst on their ovary that puts a loving death grip on their fallopian tube, making it unsalvageable when they remove the cyst? PCOS also plays a role in my weight and how difficult it is to lose it.

3. My mother is mentally ill, and didn't come to my wedding. I have not seen her in almost three years. She thinks people are "gaslighting" her, that a person or persons are intentionally causing her psychological trauma by shining lights in her house (realistically, these are headlights) and walking by her house with lights by their faces which are obviously transmitters/radio signals (realistically, cell phone backlights). She says she's called the police and the FCC and nobody does anything.

It's sort of heartbreaking to realize that my mom is one of the "crazies" that calls the FCC complaining about radio signals being criminally broadcast into her home - only to be ignored or passed off as some moron who has way too much time on their hands. I wish and hope that someone would flag her call/number and report it and hospitalize her. If I was a religious person I'd pray for it.

The thing is, nobody cares or will do anything. A mentally ill person may not present "symptoms" - they don't cough/sneeze/vomit/faint as a sign of their illness. Being "crazy" is something to mock, to laugh at for some people. I would give just about anything to have my mother back.

4. I am having an allergic reaction to Doxycycline and am covered in blisters/hives. In addition to that, I have the remnants of a yeast infection from the antibiotic. I am wheezing from my asthma as well. I took acidophilus to combat the YI and it has made me gassy. Also, I think I'm ovulating (or did already) and I'm completely un-fuckable. 

5. To add insult to injury, my throat is partially closed/swollen - presumably due to the Doxycycline. I'm feeling fine, it just feels like there's a pill stuck in my throat. I'm irritable because of it, though.

If I could cobble being overweight, infertile, asthmatic, and the daughter of a mentally ill mother into some edgy country song, I might not feel so bad about possibly having to move to IUI soon. I could pay for that shit and think nothing of it.

I'm on break cycle 2, by the way. Loving the lack of meds, hating the uncertainty of it all.

My Spidey-Sense is Tingling...

Nope, wait. That's my boobs.

Cycle 11, about 18 or 19 months in (I seriously have lost count, and am too lazy to do the math) and I ovulated on my own. I am on a "break" cycle, meaning that I am not taking any fertility meds, nor am I temping/charting at all. It's sort of liberating, honestly.

Since I'm only going by the tingling/pain in my boobs, which was preceeded by some EWCM - I'd guess that ovulation was Saturday, maybe Friday. Yay, right? Unfortunately my timing was shit this time around. If I were to get pregnant, it'd be some sort of miracle.

My husband participated in a relay race on Saturday, where his legs got tangled with those of another runner (he ran the first leg of the race) because the runners were bunched up at the start. He has an avulsion fracture of his hip - which means we really didn't get to have sex at all. I'm pretty stoked that I ovulated in the first place, so I'm not that bothered.

I started Metformin about a week ago, and I haven't had many side effects (if I remember to take it that is - I forgot on Friday). The only annoying thing is that Metformin seems to make me fart. Yup.

Never Forget

I'm trying to make a promise to myself about how I'll act when I get pregnant. I've seen a lot of people who struggled months, or even years with infertility turn around and act as insensitively as those they admonished before they became pregnant. I get that it's got to be incredibly exciting, to -finally- be pregnant after all those months/years... I just think it's easy to forget how hard it still is for many people to bear the burden of infertility.

I'm really curious as to what other people think. I welcome all opinions. I certainly don't think people should refrain from discussing their pregnancies, I just tune out/skip their Facebook posts when it gets to me.

The thing is, I'd never say something to somebody. I've blocked images on Facebook if it bugs me too much. I'm a firm believer that you can't really tell someone to stop posting so many photos/updates about their pregnancy/baby without coming off like a serious asshole.

I guess you could buy this shirt and be passive-aggressive, though.

Just kidding. I do love that comic, though.

Open my legs? Close your mouth.

Not many people in my "real" life know that I'm trying to get pregnant - or that I've been trying for 17 months. The few that know have been very understanding and supportive, but they all gave me the same words of wisdom when I told them we're taking a break from treatments this cycle.

"You know, I got pregnant when I just stopped trying!"

 

For those of you who know someone struggling with infertility... Do NOT say this, even if it's true for you. The best thing you can seriously do, is listen to them. Listen, and do your best to be understanding. Chances are, you don't know what they're going through - even if you had to do some or all of the things they're doing.

 

It is never a good time to "me too" with someone dealing with infertility. You don't have the answer to the million dollar question. It's great that you got pregnant without even "trying" but I'd like to think that the tests I've had to do, the ultrasounds, the medications... I'd like to think they count for something, even though I never wanted to have to do any of it.

 

I've been told to get drunk, relax, and have fun. While I don't necessarily think that it's required to be drunk - I always relax and have fun when I have sex. I don't go screaming down the hallway to our living room where my husband is watching a television show, waving my arms violently like Kermit the Frog on a sugar bender shouting, "I HAVE A POSITIVE OPK! TAKE ME NOW!!!" or anything like that. As much as 17 (coming up on 18) months of trying kind of sucks, having sex will never not be fun for me.

 

But the notion that relaxing makes you pregnant is laughable. If you say this to me, to relax and it will "happen" I instantly think you have no idea what it's like, the stress of having to plan sex, to have ultrasounds multiple times during a cycle, to give yourself injections... Yeah, you have NO idea. If I have to get up at 6 in the morning to have an ultrasound, then wait another 6-7 hours to find out if I responded well enough to proceed... I am totally allowed to be a little stressed out about that. It's not the reason I'm not pregnant yet, though.

 

Like I said, be a good listener. If you're up for it, be their shoulder to cry on - be a good hugger. If they're under the care of an RE or have been trying for a while, chances are they've heard all of your old wives' tales, they know how to relax (and they know that doesn't get you pregnant - and they don't care that it worked for you/your friend/your mom's friend's mailcarrier) and they've probably gotten tipsy more than a few times in hopes they'll join the ranks of those who can say that they just "got drunk and had sex".

Limit

Dammit.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

This is the first time I actually feel robbed, and I don't even know why. I'm angry at my body, for the genetic material within me for being in the wrong place at the right time, and I don't know what else I can possibly do.

I gave myself a shot in the fucking belly, doesn't that count for SOMETHING?

After a whole lot of cramping and finally spotting today, I called the RE and told them I was starting my period. The nurse called me back and wants me to start Clomid.

Again.

200 milligrams...

Again.

They faxed in the order for my first ultrasound for CD13 and at this very moment I really, really don't want to do it. The last time I did two consecutive cycles of Clomid of the same dosage, I stalled. Nothing happened. I am reminded of a story my Mom loved to tell people, that when I was a little girl she tried the "airplane in the hangar" trick to get me to eat something I didn't want to eat. The way she tells it, my face fell as I stared into her eyes and said, "It's not gonna work, Mom."

I am pretty done with being sunshine and lollipops about this whole ordeal, I am. I feel like more Clomid isn't going to do a thing - and that the CD13 ultrasound is going to be just as uneventful as the first two I had the last time around. And then what? I can't up my dosage, and I don't think that I would if they even asked me. I have my prescriptions in, and my requisitions for monitoring - but I almost don't want to do it.

I'm also very sure that nothing will happen if I do nothing at all. I'm so sick and tired of thermometers, ultrasounds, ovulation and pregnancy tests. I want to give up, and I don't. I want to do something this cycle, but I don't.

As I sit here fighting back tears, I am inconsolable in every way.

Treat Me Like a Red-Headed Stair-Step Cycle

I can sit here and tell you that I've had zero ill effects from the Clomid I've been taking, but I just yelled "You motherfucker!" at a video game just now.

...It was Katamari Damacy.

Really?

 Yeah, so I might have a touch of the Clo-zilla in me. Thankfully, I manage to keep it under wraps most of the time. I've just returned from a two day getaway in Amish country (it was WONDERFUL) so I'm feeling relaxed and full of carbohydrates made lovingly the old-fashioned way.

I had another ultrasound on Monday (CD 16) for those of you following my saga. I did Clomid (100 mg) on cycle days 5-9. I had my first follicle check on CD 12 with nothing over 10mm. Plenty of follicles, none measurable. I went back Monday only to find out that yet again, I had not responded at all. There was no development on the 15 or so follicles they'd found on each ovary. I was at a local market having lunch when I got the call from the RE's office about my uneventful ultrasound.

They said that they wanted to stimulate me more, and that they'd like it if I started Clomid (200 mg!) again that night, and then take it for 7 days instead of 5 (double wow). I was minutes away from going to a place where I would have no phone and no internet for 2-3 days, the fact that I received the call at that moment was serendipitous. They were able to phone the prescription in to a pharmacy that was on my way out of town.

Since this is my second round of Clomid in the same cycle, my RE refe

So here I am, day 3 of 7 days of mega-Clomid. Really, not much to report. In a stupid way, I wish I had some symptoms - some indication that SOMETHING was working. If a week of 200mg Clomid doesn't get me to have some good follicles, I don't know what will.

The Little Follie That Should

 

My first follicle check was this morning. I braved freezing temperatures on a bicycle and rode the mile to the clinic. There's a monitor on the wall, so I can see what they're doing and I notice that she measures a follicle on the left side. I asked her how big it was and she said 6 millimeters.

 

 

 

Say what, now? Only 6 millimeters? Come on girls, you can do better than that. None of the other follies were measurable. She marked the left as having 20 less than 10mm, and the right as having 15 less than 10mm. My lining was a 7.8 and she said that was on par with someone at cycle day 12, so that's good to know that the Clomid hasn't destroyed my lining. She told me the RE would get faxed copies of my ultrasound images and they'd call me in the afternoon.

 

 

When the nurse called this afternoon, she explained that I have "boatloads of follicles" but did not mention the 6mm follie. I have to go back Monday (CD16) for a repeat ultrasound. If I ovulate, I usually do it a little later in the game so for now, I'll keep using ovulation tests and hope for better results on Monday. I hope at least one of them grows.

 

I think they can.

I think they can.

I think they can.

I think they can.

 

 



IF Is A Headache. No, REALLY!

I'm (hopefully) at the end of Cycle 9, because I'm taking my last dose of Provera today. My hope is that I withdraw soon, and can complete any ultrasounds (and hopefully trigger!) by the end of the month, when we have a little vacation planned.

I am no stranger to Provera, but it's really kicking my ass this time. Headaches. Oh god, the headaches. I cannot recall feeling this tired or moody in a long time, none of which I could attribute to the Provera anyway. Last night, I fell asleep (while sitting up) doing a crossword with my husband - at 8:30. This morning I hit the snooze bar a total of four times, meaning that I slept about 40 minutes longer than I had intended to. I have zero energy. It doesn't matter if I have coffee or not, I'm just incredibly exhausted.

Since the first time I took a round of Provera during this "journey" of mine (I seriously hate calling it that) I've had a bit of a paranoia with it. I took an ovulation test out of boredom after taking the first Provera dose, and the test was positive. I called my OB who told me that I need to ignore it, not have sex and to just wait it out. Now I always have the thought of "What if?" when I take it. What if I just ovulated really late, fertilized an egg and am now getting rid of it with the Provera? I often ask myself, am I being impatient? I see people talking about going 70, 80 or even 100 days for a cycle - and here I am taking Provera at day 42 (doctor's orders, since we saw no response).

I'm actually taking a day off on Friday to sleep a bunch and have a leisurely day with no real obligations. I will most likely end up bored and lonely, but I need the quiet. Plus, I have an obscene amount of sick days.

Trapped In The Closet

I've seen a lot of people on the internet ask "How did you tell people you were trying to get pregnant?". The question always turns up a lot of answers, none of which fail to astound me. I guess I just don't get the reason that you'd share this little bit of information with your nearest and dearest. I figure by NOT telling them, they will...

1. Be pleasantly surprised when we announce a pregnancy
2. Be saved the mental imagery of all that human conception entails

Right? Fairly sure most people know how babies are made, they don't need to know if and when I'm starting that process. I don't want friends and family to ask me how "trying" is going, and I wouldn't want them to freak out if I didn't get pregnant right away. I can only imagine the whispers of concern in emails to aunts and cousins, people wondering if everything was OK and whose "fault" not getting pregnant yet, was.

Obviously early in, I could not have foreseen how long it would take us to get pregnant. All of what I listed above - aside from basically announcing that my spouse would be ejaculating inside me on the regular) could have been a moot point. But my opinion remains, I don't think people need to know.

There's a flipside to all of that, though - which makes going through IF a very lonely thing. Since my family doesn't really know that we're trying - and that I have a diagnosed issue that is causing us difficulty - so I can't really "explain away" the bad days.

My cousin might not realize that I'm so sick and tired of seeing her post 10 pictures of her daughter on Facebook EVERY. SINGLE. DAY... Because I want to have a baby so badly. My in-laws announce every new baby/pregnancy with such joy and elation and expect me to return the sentiment (even when I don't really want to and there's no way they could fathom that unless they KNEW). I've never had to explain my behavior to anyone except my husband - I really try to keep what few meltdowns I've had between he and I... But I fear that one day I'm going to either have to fess up, or explain it away as just being in a bad mood/megabitch.

Just got my doctor's orders for Cycle 10. This time will be with 100 mg of Clomid + Trigger (Ovidrel). I will call my RE's office on CD12 for my first ultrasound. Hopefully all of this plays well into the vacation we've just planned. After a discussion with my husband, we thought it'd be a good idea to get away for a couple of days, just the two of us. Maybe this will be it.

It's Not All Pink & White

I don't know how much stock (if any) someone taking Clomid should put into their chart. I've heard people say that it can really affect your temperatures - but the two cycles I've temped for on Clomid were the most sane looking charts I have ever personally had.

If you believed Fertility Friend I'd be 21 days past ovulation, and I'm not. It doesn't appear that I responded favorably to the Clomid this time around, and that seems to be my experience for a second consecutive cycle. I wonder if there's any logic behind someone's reproductive system becoming "complacent" on fertility meds. Note that we never changed dosages (always 50 mg).

Cycle 1: Ovulation on CD11
Cycle 2: No response. Provera used.

Then, there was a break where I got fed up with drugs and TTC.

Cycle 3: Ovulation on/around CD23
Cycle 4: No response.

The RE asked if I wanted additional ultrasounds for this cycle and I declined. I have no pain, no discomfort and nothing that would lead me to believe there's a problem. We'll likely go with Provera to reset (if I don't, my lining will be INSANE next cycle) but I'm waiting on that phone call so we can discuss options for Cycle #10.

I am considering Clomid with a trigger and timed intercourse for the next cycle. I have never used a trigger, and am assuming at this point that the trigger shot will be completely out of pocket for me. The fertility clinic codes all monitoring appointments as infertility testing, so they're covered. If I ever have to do an IUI, the actual IUI will be out of pocket but the ultrasounds would be covered. I'm waiting on a call back from my RE to discuss another consultation appointment and how to set everything else up.

Finally, I think it's about time I had some procedures done that didn't involve violation of my reproductive organs and canals. I'm giving serious thought to a spa day for myself, complete with waxing (this is why I specific which "violations" I'd settle for), hair color/cut and massage, mani & pedi too... The works (once I get past the sticker shock of how much money that entails!!).

In all honesty though, I'm tired of the shit.

I'm A Chicken

I'm having one of those bad days, the kind you can't or don't want to openly have with people who aren't going or haven't gone through the same things because it makes them feel uncomfortable, weird, and sometimes bad about themselves (the last applies often if they're pregnant, or have been before). The only reason I know it squicks out non-IF people is because I've seen message boards/Facebook groups of people fall apart - or nearly fall apart because someone in the group struggling with infertility had a bad day/week.

I had a slow temp rise over three days that made me think I'd missed my surge, until I woke up today with my temps back in the 96 range. I thought I'd just missed my surge with the OPK and was ovulating earlier than normal. Waking up to the lower temp was basically a slap in my face. I don't even know why - because it's happened so many times before. I have only had a "textbook" chart with non-rocky temps once in the past 15 months.

We had the plan to go sledding this morning, so I skipped my Sunday spin class... Big mistake on my part. If I had burned up my thighs and calves a little on a bicycle this morning I might've felt a little better about shushing down a sledding hill on a plastic disc. Not so.

I was making pancakes and started to feel pissy. Every time my husband would reach over to grab something, or if he was in my personal space for a completely innocent reason and it made my blood BOIL. Then, I became dismissive. I called out to him and said (while fighting back tears); I don't think I feel like going sledding. You should just go by yourself. I'm having a bad day. Besides, there's too much to do. At that point, I just kept cooking and the tears subsided.

I didn't really break down until I sat to have breakfast with my husband. I told him I was really tired of the meds, and that I felt angry/cheated out of my first 13 months of trying (because of my PCOS and the blocked tube). Having a 40 pound ovarian cyst removed at age 12 should give someone a pass from that whole "Wait 12 months before seeing an RE" thing. I got angry at the self-righteous bitches on a certain message board that constantly parrot "If you go before then it makes it harder for people who actually need it to get in" to unsuspecting people.

I go on to tell him that I hate Clomid, that I hate having to schedule sex. I am blubbering by this point, as I tell him that I'll probably have to order even more ovulation tests this cycle, and that I hate, HATE charting my temperature. Strangely enough, I'm doing that last part for my own benefit, my RE said I don't actually have to. I'm too invested to stop this cycle, but I will probably never temp again after this.

I have friends who are nursing their children say that they feel like a cow when they're nursing. As a person taking drugs to stimulate ovulation, I feel like a chicken.