Sometimes in my darkest days, I feel like a very unlucky person. Reality is always there in the background, shouting "someone will always have it worse than you!" as I think this... But it's inevitable that it happens.
1. I'm overweight. I'm not a fat acceptance person, I never will be. I will not be complacent about my weight. It is not okay for me to be overweight. Comfort with my physical self would equal laziness for me. About the time that puberty hit, I started getting chubby. I was made fun of, constantly. I've been out of school for years and can still tell you the full names of my bullies and the things they were so fond of calling me or chanting to me on a daily basis.
I'm working on this one, and am in excellent physical shape - but it hasn't been easy. There are people that eat way more crapfully than I do, and sit on their asses way more than I do - and they lose weight faster than I do. I do not hide the fact that I'm bitter about this, at times.
2. I have PCOS and lost a tube because of it. Seriously, what kind of 12 year old manages to grow a 40 pound cyst on their ovary that puts a loving death grip on their fallopian tube, making it unsalvageable when they remove the cyst? PCOS also plays a role in my weight and how difficult it is to lose it.
3. My mother is mentally ill, and didn't come to my wedding. I have not seen her in almost three years. She thinks people are "gaslighting" her, that a person or persons are intentionally causing her psychological trauma by shining lights in her house (realistically, these are headlights) and walking by her house with lights by their faces which are obviously transmitters/radio signals (realistically, cell phone backlights). She says she's called the police and the FCC and nobody does anything.
It's sort of heartbreaking to realize that my mom is one of the "crazies" that calls the FCC complaining about radio signals being criminally broadcast into her home - only to be ignored or passed off as some moron who has way too much time on their hands. I wish and hope that someone would flag her call/number and report it and hospitalize her. If I was a religious person I'd pray for it.
The thing is, nobody cares or will do anything. A mentally ill person may not present "symptoms" - they don't cough/sneeze/vomit/faint as a sign of their illness. Being "crazy" is something to mock, to laugh at for some people. I would give just about anything to have my mother back.
4. I am having an allergic reaction to Doxycycline and am covered in blisters/hives. In addition to that, I have the remnants of a yeast infection from the antibiotic. I am wheezing from my asthma as well. I took acidophilus to combat the YI and it has made me gassy. Also, I think I'm ovulating (or did already) and I'm completely un-fuckable.
5. To add insult to injury, my throat is partially closed/swollen - presumably due to the Doxycycline. I'm feeling fine, it just feels like there's a pill stuck in my throat. I'm irritable because of it, though.
If I could cobble being overweight, infertile, asthmatic, and the daughter of a mentally ill mother into some edgy country song, I might not feel so bad about possibly having to move to IUI soon. I could pay for that shit and think nothing of it.
I'm on break cycle 2, by the way. Loving the lack of meds, hating the uncertainty of it all.
Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have so much to deal with. I hope your reaction clears up soon and you feel better.
I don't personally have any close family dealing with mental illness but it is something we deal with on a daily basis at work. It saddens my heart that there isn't more that can be done to help ones like your mother. We have a lady who calls 911 at least once a week, sometimes a lot more. She always complains that she has a gas leak in her apartment. Each time we have to send police and fire dept as protocol to check. In reality, her cats litter box is the problem. We've repeatedly requested mental evaluations at the hospital and asked adult protective services to help. But, because she keeps her house clean and is alert an oriented when they talk to her, they will not help. It's sad. She's a sweet lady, but has too many moments like this, many of which resemble your moms complaints too.
Hugs to you during the rough moments.
(Sueann911)
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, that is a lot to deal with. I can relate to an extent with the bullying - kids can be really cruel and don't realize the long lasting impact their words and actions have. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to have a mom with mental health issues, especially with how few services are available for those in need. My heart goes out to you, I hope the allergic reaction eases and you feel better soon. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI have to 2nd what Sueann is saying. We have a woman who calls us on 9-1-1 practically every single shift that I work. We go to check on her and everything is ok. She has a mental illness and her family is not around to care for her. We have to document each time she calls in, what it's for and what the resolution to the call was. Ultimately what is going to happen is the adult protective services/ Department of children and families.
ReplyDeleteThe best way to go about this from a family stand point is to speak to her doctors if you can, to contact the police department and ask them to document if she calls them and if it boils down to it, take all of those findings to court and have a judge decide if she fits in an outpatient program or if she would be better suited in an inpatient short term facility.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of these things. Here is a web resource for you as a family member and maybe it will give you some resources to help your mom. http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support , they also have a bicycle ride which made me think of you as well.
** DCF will be contacted and they will have to step in and go from there.
ReplyDelete